He still loves me!

31 years and 2 days ago, my boyfriend gave me a new bicycle for Valentine's Day. We had a wonderful time riding around that day, although starting and stopping was hard for me because I am only 5' 1", and it was a man's bicycle! (But it was top of the line for the times, and it cost over $100). Later that evening, he proposed in a roundabout way (it started out sounding like he was going to break up with me, but ended in a proposal), and after I accepted, we decided I didn't need an engagement ring because he had given me the bicycle. (I'm still not sure quite how that works, but I didn't want to press the issue.) I found his high school ring and started wearing that until he told me that felt "childish" to him.

Anyway we picked out matching wedding rings with a cross on them representing our faith in Christ. He lost his in the lake a week later, so of course, we hired divers (to no avail) and immediately replaced his ring with another one.

For our tenth anniversary, he surprised me with a diamond ring with ten diamonds (totatling 1/2 carat, I think) - one for each year - at the extreme cost of $1200! I was too nervous to wear it at first, but deeply loved it because not only had he chosen it for me, he had actually designed it, so it was one of a kind!

Time went on...I lost my wedding ring and 3 years later he replaced it with an identical one...then one very sad day, I lost the anniversary ring too (about 15 years later). Our insurance company accepted my claim and gave me a check for $5000(!), which I used to pay for finishing my college degree at long last (interrupted after our first year of marriage to allow him to go to grad school).

He promised to replace the ring, even though it was virtually irreplaceable, and shortly I found one that I liked, so I called and asked if I could buy it - he said, "If you like it, buy it." It was only about $300, but has diamond chips and emeralds (my birthstone). That was 6 years ago.

Recently I was up late watching TV (channel-surfing) and saw a ring I really liked, and I suggested he buy it for me for Valentine's Day. He sat down with me to find it on the computer later, but he didn't like it that much. After looking at rings and talking about them, I told him, "That's okay, it's silly for me to want another ring - I have two very special rings already."

Yesterday, the day after Valentine's, he brought home an orchid plant, cooked dinner for me, and then presented me with a ring box, containing a diamond and Tanzanite ring - very simple, but with some similarities to the anniversary ring. He said I could exchange it if I want, but that he thought it was the most beautiful ring at the jewelry store. What do you think?

Valentines

Go to this website to see a valentine from the One who loves us all better than anyone else can:

http://www.smilegodlovesyou.org/GodsValentine.html

Consider it my valentine gift to you!

A good idea

One of our older women at church used a fishing license holder to put all her medical and emergency information in, and she wears it around her neck so that if something happens to her, all the information is right there for those helping her. Our church secretary volunteered to create medical/emergency cards like that for anyone who wanted them. Because Sarah had been urging me to do the same (in view of all my medical/health issues), I did just that. I bought the holder at Staples - it's just an identification badge, such as is used at conventions, etc. Office Depot also carries it. Now I will always have with me a list of emergency contacts, medical conditions, medications, and even church affiliation, blood type, allergies, and the fact that I have an "advanced directive" for critical care. I recommend for anyone who has information they want shared about their needs or wishes when incapacitated.

Attitude

The picture on the left is a praying mantis, copied from Wikpedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Praying_mantis. That has always been the way I have seen them in my limited experience.


This is a praying mantis, in a parking space at our local McDonald's, where we went for lunch on Saturday. My hubby saw it, and dangled his keys, at which point the mantis reared up, spread its wings and legs (arms?) out and opened its mouth threateningly. We were intrigued, so he took a picture with his cell phone. Half an hour later when we left the restaurant, a woman said, "That thing is still there. Watch what it does with the birds." Sure enough, the birds (obviously much bigger than the mantis) would swoop down toward it, but when the mantis reared up, it intimidated the birds so they flew away! What courage! What spirit!

It made me feel humbled, because when I am being "attacked" (by illness, circumstances, struggles), my impulse is to moan, whine, and give up. Instead, with God on my side, I should be able to tackle anything with the same courage as the mantis. I should put this picture on my desktop or something to remind me to have courage.

(I also read an excerpt on birdwatchersdigest.com about a mantis that caught, killed and ate part of a hummingbird. Apparently they are not mild-mannered, but very predatory in fact. Amazing.)

Denial

Every now and then, I try to convince myself that I don't really have diabetes ("it's just a reaction to some medication that causes my bloodsugar to be high") or fibromyalgia ("it's withdrawal from the pain meds I've had to take for kidney stones so often") and then I have a week like this last one.

I went to see my endocrinologist last week (who treats the diabetes), and my blood sugar was too high (I still think his meter was off - oops, there goes that denial again). He read me the riot act and begged me to try his very strict diet, exercise more, lose some weight, take my meds, etc and come back in a week. This based on one high reading. (That's not to say I didn't need to be scolded - remember, I'm still trying to be in denial.)

So, I modified my diet, took my meds more regularly, didn't really exercise, but I thought about it, and went back a week later. This time my weight was the same, my blood pressure was higher, but the blood sugar reading was fine. Based on one reading again, he said, "Good, we're back on track to making you well." He didn't check my meter...didn't ask me about my diet or exercise. Frustrating. But I am still trying again to be "good."

About the fibromyalgia...my life has been much less stressful now that my nest is "empty" - son and daughter off to college, and my temp job has ended, and I figured that since my pain has been less, I must not really have fibro. It's never been as bad as some cases are, anyway, and I have had other reasons for the pain (kidney stone recently passed - yay!). So last night, my hubby and I went for a 2-mile walk. I was tired when we got home, but not unusually so. My fibro dr has been telling me to exercise more frequently but for less time - perhaps 30 min every day instead of long walks, but (say it with me now) I'm in denial, so I figured 2 miles (45 - 60 min walk) wasn't too much. I'd been feeling so much better, right?

Today, I hurt in so many places, I'm astounded. I had misplaced my watch and found it today so I was wearing it loosely, and even the weight of the watch against my forearm hurt. My legs hurt, even the soles of my feet hurt!

Hopefully, I've learned my lesson by now, and will do better in the future - trust God even when I don't understand, accept my limitations, and follow the regimens prescribed by my army of doctors.

In spite of the pain, today has been a good day - I got to sleep in some with my hubby, put away all my laundry (clean and dirty) that had stacked up at the end of the bed, reorganized the contents of my handbag, straightened my dresser, tidied the living room and kitchen, cooked dinner (although no one came - that's another post all by itself!), scrubbed the bathroom tub (hubby cleaned the carpets last weekend and the grunge ended up in the bottom of the tub), and even straightened my desk...

In other news(?), I am officially in menopause now, and all is well in that department. Interesting coincidence with empty nest phase. And I decided to have my hair trimmed (it's been 6 weeks since the last one), and this hairdresser layered the back and top so I look quite "perky", I think. Maybe I'll post another picture so you can see it.

Hubby just got home - I'll go eat with him. Thank you God, for blessing me with him.

Pictures?

I've been trying since yesterday evening to get some pictures posted here, and it hasn't worked. Now suddenly it is. These are pictures of my hubby and me 30 years ago. (The one above was Thanksgiving, and the one to the left was on our wedding day.)

Time

We just celebrated our 30th anniversary, which is incredible to me because I often don't even feel 30 years old (although other times I feel 80!). I look at my husband, and sometimes realize he's acting like an old man and finally beginning to show some age (he probably looks 40 now, but he's 52). I look at my children - all adults now - and I wonder where the time went. Mentally, I still feel 20, but my youngest is going off to college soon, and although she is very bright, she's not a child prodigy - she's 18. I remember when my first child turned 18, and it seemed so long until they would all be grown and yet here we are. In a week and a half, I'll be driving her off to college.

I'm not sure what life will be like with no children at home. We've had brief glimpses when they were away at camp, but this will be different. And it will always be different - it will never go back. That scares me just a little and saddens me too.

As I said, we just celebrated our 30th anniversary. The date crept up on us without any plans being made until the day before, although he gave me flowers and a very sweet card. I managed to get us a bed-and-breakfast reservation for the Friday following the anniversary. (30 years needs some recognition, after all!) Well the day we were supposed to go, my husband had some last minute chores that had to be done beforehand. He said the people at work were discussing whether or not we would be headed for divorce if he was too long with those chores! It made us realize that one problem with being in a committed monogamous relationship is that you sometimes take each other for granted. He takes for granted that I will wait for him even when he's late, and I won't give up on us no matter how many times it happens. On the other hand, I take for granted that he won't give up on me no matter how I look or how the house looks, etc. It's a good thing to have that kind of trust, but it should also inspire some desire in us to give our best to each other even though we don't have to.

We did manage to have a good getaway, albeit a brief one. Fortunately we were only going about 30 miles from home (to Benicia, CA), so even though we left late, it didn't impact the time together much. And we played romantic CDs on the drive, to set the tone for the getaway. We did some reflecting (although not enough) on how we can simplify our life and find a better balance between the conflicting demands on our time. The B&B was expensive, but I reminded him that if we went out regularly (once a week or even once a month?), we wouldn't have to spend so much on the anniversaries!

I pray that those of you (all 2 or 3 who read my blog) in committed relationships will also strive to bless your partner rather than taking them for granted. I will try to do the same.

A productive day - I'm tired!

Today: I drove our new international student to Pleasant Hill, from there to the chiropractor, then to the grocery store and then to work. Worked for four hours, came home, worked very briefly on minutes, ran the dishwasher and did 2 loads of laundry, planned and prepared dinner (a yummy chicken/pasta/tomato/brocolli casserole), cleaned out one refrigerator, sold it for $40, received a newer used fridge, cleaned it up, transferred all our foodstuffs into the new one, and unloaded, loaded and re-ran the dishwasher. Whew!

On top of all that, my son finally found his missing keys (buried in the depths of our swivel rocker) and I found the missing PDA keyboard (in the glove compartment of my husband's car).

I'm pleased with myself (can you tell?), but I'm also verrry tired. Think I'll go to bed before midnight for the first time this week. (My adult children are in the living room watching a movie.)

Father God, thank you for helping me to accomplish so much. Please be with my friend Becky tomorrow as she undergoes surgery. Give her peace tonight and assurance that you will be with the doctors as they operate. Also be with her husband and help him to trust in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

My 50th birthday

Since I'm posting pictures, I figured I'd post some from my San Antonio trip. The first is me and my sisters. And then one picture with my mother (in the middle) and my aunt. A church in La Villita, inside and out. Un gato en La Villita, con mi madre y mi tia. (I keep hitting preview, and for some reason they are not posting in the order I want, but I think you'll "get the picture" anyway.)

I got a haircut!

It's been very hot here this week - I decided to get a haircut, even though my hair was the longest it had ever been. I was putting it up all the time anyway, even at night. So I figured I might as well make it easier to manage, etc. I'm going to try to donate my hair although it has quite a bit of gray, so not so many organizations want it.

The first picture is me today, followed by me two days ago. It's a little different than I've usually had with short hair, and the problem is it's still on my neck. So I may have to take more off eventually. Let me know what you think.

Struggles

Yes, I'm still struggling...with forgiveness, with eating, health, patience, you name it. At a ladies Bible class recently, we were looking at Philippians where it says "work out your salvation" and someone asked "what does it mean by that?" The answer came back, it means you have to work on it. I asked if it ever gets easier - the older women in the room said, no, just different struggles. I guess I have different struggles now than when I was younger, although it seems I get new ones but rarely get over the old ones. And whenever I think about changing, it's too hard and too painful to have to analyze why I am the way I am.

Tonight, it is very hot here. Our neighbors were having a swim party - a very loud swim party. When we had a pool and went swimming after dark (not even very late) I always tried to keep my kids from making too much noise - it seemed rude to be splashing and enjoying yourself while you know the neighbors are sweltering. But that's not even the issue. Houses today are very close together. The party seemed to me to get louder as time went on. I thought about just calling the police, but I decided to take a page out of Ken's book and just go ask them to keep it down. But they were so loud, I had to shout to be heard, right up next to our joint fence. It took about five minutes for them to realize I was there. Once I had their attention, I said, "IT's almost 11:00 o'clock, and my husband has to get up at 2:30 am. Do you think you could be quieter?" The response from one or two was "Sorry" but there were others who said, "Hey, it's Saturday night!" I repeated that my husband had to get up very early, and they said, "Who works on Sunday?!" I was tempted to say - um, doctors, policemen, firemen, airtraffic controllers, grocery store clerks, salespeople, NEWSPAPER CARRIERS. But I didn't. I just said, "thank you" and went back to my house. I could hear a few remarks and hoots and hollers for a few more minutes, but now it is quiet.

Why do I feel guilty for ruining their "fun" when they should feel regret for bothering a neighbor? Now I'm afraid they will take it out on our tenants who live between them and us, even though I still think what I did was better than calling the cops. It's so hard to get along in this world, and to live a Christlike example, while watching rude obnoxious selfish people who don't give a flip if they offend or bother you.

I know...I've been forgiven much too - my husband constantly forgives, as do my friends and my family. I just don't want to be me anymore. I want to be the person I should be, I want to not struggle anymore.

Well, Sarah, you wanted me to use this blog, and here I am again. I don't know how long I'll leave this post up, however, because I'm so embarassed to admit how weak I am...not that everybody else doesn't already realize that about me.

Guess I'd better go to bed.

Forgiveness

I recently had a "revelation" regarding my anger and forgiveness. Our minister preached on the Lord's Prayer, particularly the part that says, "Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." I decided, since my prayers have been few and far between recently, that I needed to at least pray the Lord's Prayer throughout the day - not that it's the only prayer you can offer, but it is a model, given in response to the apostles' asking, "Lord, teach us to pray."

So the very next day was one of the worst in recent memory, even though only petty annoyances were all I had to deal with. I was remembering the lesson, and repeating the prayer throughout the day, when I suddenly thought about the phrase, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." And I thought about how much God has forgiven me, and how much my husband and friends have forgiven me. I realized that the reason I get so annoyed at little things (traffic, long lines, rude people, ignorant people) is because I am not forgiving them, or extending them the same grace that I have been shown. I have been the unmerciful servant in Matthew 19!

If you had asked me, I would have agreed that forgiving others is something Christians are supposed to do. I had just never connected my anger to an unforgiving heart. Forgiving others also gives the forgiver greater control, because forgiveness is a decision, and I can decide to forgive them whether they know they need it or not!

So, to my children and my friends, and to my God, I apologize for taking you and your forgiveness for granted. And to my children, I apologize for not teaching you a better way. I am working on forgiving in all situations, and so far, it has been amazing how much more relaxed I feel.

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

Undecided

I have been doing 4 part-time jobs, 2 for 5 years, 1 for 3 yrs (3 months at a time), and 1 for one year. The two that I have been doing the longest are minutes clerk positions for two different cities nearby. I attend night meetings and type the minutes for them. A good part-time job, but I'm getting tired of the same-old, same-old complaints and comments from the public (traffic, density, privacy, building heights). And I'd like to have my evenings and weekends back, because although this gives me flexibility on weekdays, my husband and daughter are home in the evenings and weekends, not weekdays usually.

So I had decided I would back out of the minutes jobs, beginning with the one that pays the least. Last night I went to meeting, and 3 things happened to make me question whether I should quit - 1) it was a short meeting (22 minutes), 2) I got a raise (75 cents more per hour, but it's still almost $4 less per hour than the other city pays me), and 3) one of the commissioners complimented my work, saying the minutes really capture the essece of what happened. He even said they were some of the best minutes he'd ever seen.

So of course, now I think, "It's only two nights a month - how hard can it be?" I need some resolve!

Perspective

Last night I watched some tv, did some knitting, enjoyed time with my family, and then from 10:00 until 10:45, I worked on my minutes. (I actually had all afternoon when I could've been working on them but I found other things to do.)

Anyway, the minister's wife had emailed me his Powerpoint for Sunday, so that I could merge it with the song slides. I didn't do it last night, figured on doing it today. I woke up at 6:30, since that's when our cats think they need to eat, and my hubby was up anyway since today is a workday at the building. I groaned something about a headache, and he said, "Is there anything I can do?" I said yes, you can fix oatmeal for breakfast. I rolled over and went back to sleep, woke up an hour later, and said, "Oh, no! I didn't do the Powerpoint yet! Why didn't you remind me?" (Hubby murmured sympathetic, but nonspecific words of reassurance.)

I jumped out of bed, and started feverishly getting ready for the day. After thinking a few minutes, I said, "Why did I tell you to cook oatmeal?" He said, "Because it's good for you?" I was thinking, "but we almost always have pancakes on Sunday." And in that split second, I realized it wasn't Sunday yet, and I didn't need to panic about the Powerpoint.

Since I was fully awake by this time (adrenaline will do that for you), I went grocery shopping (plenty of parking, no lines at the checkout) at 7:45 on a Saturday morning. And now I feel like I have an extra day. Perspective is everything. (Except in my excitement, I forgot about walking with Grandma. Gotta go!)

SURRENDER

Not a word we Americans like to use, even those of us who are Christians. Surrender my life, my will, my finances, my stubbornness, my health, my children, my husband, my things? Surrender it all?

We own two houses adjacent to one another. In the past five years the value of one (house A) has more than doubled its original value. The other (house B) has gone up by one-half its value in two years. (I’m not going to tell you original values, but we live in the San Francisco bay area, so you get the drift.) We also own some land in Texas, jointly with my sister. We are in our early 50s, the last 2 kids in college, no savings except his retirement (which should be more than adequate), old cars, old furniture, etc. And there is credit card debt ($30K) and college loans ($20K and rising). My husband has a very good job with the government, and I work 3 part-time jobs totalling 23 hours a week (during tax season it’s 4 jobs and 43 hours).

So now, a third property has become available. Also adjacent to us, and with 2 homes on it (houses C and D). Our first thought was buy that property, rent out 3 of the 4 houses and live in the 4th. Then a relative said she would like to buy house B, which would leave us with house A to live in and C/D to rent out. But the lender said no, interest on investment properties is too high – you’d have to move into C or D to get the best rates. (We borrowed from the equity on house B for down payment purposes.) So we said okay, that’s what we’ll do. But if we sell the rental house B to our relative, we have to pay capital gains tax on the increased value, even if we re-invest in homes C and D (because they would not be considered investment property if we live in one). And most recently we found out there’s a deed restriction on the new property that actually requires us to live in one of the houses on the same lot, or rent them both to one party.

I think we should sell everything, pay whatever taxes result and move to Texas. We could buy a lot of land and/or a lot of house for the money (and even some rentals too if we wanted), and most of my family are there. With that, we could also pay off our credit cards and maybe even the school loans. He says we should buy the third property and rent A and B (the relative would also be willing to rent from us). Then finally get serious about paying off the credit cards, etc.

So how does all this relate to surrender? In every honest relationship, there will be times of disagreement (because we are human, and we make mistakes). Someone has to surrender or the battle continues. When I surrender to God, I give up my will. I GIVE UP MY WILL. He retains control; it is not up to me to manage everything. When I surrender to my husband, I learn to surrender to God. Even if I think my husband is making a mistake, I can trust that God will be there and see us through. It may not be fair, it may not be right, it may be painful, but it is reality. Resistance is more painful than surrender.

I will surrender, I will let God set the priorities for my life. I will let my husband lead, even when I think he is heading in the wrong direction. I will read and meditate on God’s word so that I can develop the right attitude and avoid malice, bitterness and resentment toward my husband. Thanks for listening.

Tagged?

My daughter Sarah "tagged" me with a "meme". Now I have to tag 5 others in their online journals...not that I even know 5 other people. But I will try anyway. Daniel, Grace & Ruth all have journals...I suppose that's a start.

Here are the rules: “The first player of this game starts with the topic ‘five weird habits of yourself’, and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says, “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.”

1. I have an addictive personality - my current addiction is knitting.
2. I could watch TV all day - especially while knitting.
3. I buy diet books/plans and then never use them (too busy knitting).
4. My kids call me the "bag lady" because I'm always looking for the perfect purse or tote bag (my current one holds my knitting nicely).
5. I hate housework and do as little as possible

I'm not going to publish the links to their journals, however.

These are pictures of our youth group's Christmas party - it was great fun...except my two "youts" were not here. :(

Hopefully looking at these pictures will bring Daniel joy, even though he is far from home.

Beating the blahs

Well, yesterday was a hard day for me...our minister recently left (on good terms, but looking for new challenges), the weather was gloomy, my children will not be home for Christmas, and I had too much work to do.

I managed to do a little bit of work, decorated the tree (by myself), finished knitting two caps, went to a very short meeting last night (only 1 hour - yay!), and actually transcribed the minutes last night after the meeting. Even watched half of Survivor Guatemala (which is almost over, and I haven't been following because of my excessive Thursday night meetings). While I was gone, Ken took Roger shopping and put up Christmas lights outside on both houses.

Slept 7 hours with my "machine" last night, and woke up this morning with a totally different attitude. Don't know if it's the machine or the Christmas spirit finally kicking in. Walked with Grandma for 45 minutes today, and just went grocery shopping. I'm planning to make cookies later (chocolate chip and sugar cookies - with icing yet) for a funeral tomorrow, and for a Christmas party at church tomorrow evening.

Also need to do laundry...maybe lower the price of the rolltop (it's down to $100 now - still no interest whatsoever from Craigslist customers).

Hope your day is going as well!

desk dilemmas - anyone want a rolltop?

Wow, it's been almost a month since I posted...I'll be surprised if anyone ever reads this, but maybe you'll have some suggestions.

I work from home, transcribing minutes from various city boards/commissions/councils. So I need a good workspace to feel motivated to work and not play. I had a great desk, with side return and a hutch. For some reason I was enamored with the idea of having a rolltop desk. So I bought one, and practically gave away my great desk. Discovered almost immediately that the rolltop was too small. Dealt with it for a while, finally asked my hubby if I could look for something more appropriate. Found another great desk, he bought it for me, brought it home, set it up - it's huge! And heavy! I guess I'll deal with it, but somehow it doesn't have the same amount of space as the rolltop and now I'm bogged down trying to fit everything in a workable way. Blah! Not what I wanted to deal with - especially considering I still have to sell the rolltop now.

I guess the moral is - be grateful for what you have. Back to work now.

A prayer

Father, help me to renew my faith. Teach me again your ways. Change my heart, make me new, help me try again. As Paul said in Romans, "With my whole heart I agree with the Law of God. But in every part of me I discover something fighting against my mind, and it makes me a prisoner of sin that controls everything I do...Thank God Jesus Christ will rescue me." (Romans 7:22-25, CEV)

I fear that I will fail yet again. More than that, I fear that a (large) part of me doesn't want to change. Grant me courage, Lord, to start again. You know my sins, you know my heart. Have mercy, I pray.

Be with my "children" who are grown now and far off - remind them of your presence and your grace. I ask also for the one who is almost grown, that you will bless her future and guide her plans.

I ask you to bless our church leaders with wisdom, to bless our church family with greater faith and willingness to follow. Be with the leaders of our country as well, that we may continue to enjoy the blessings of liberty and freedom of thought.

Thank you, Lord, for Jesus, and the life he gave that we might know you better.